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Month: June 2007

Whoops!

A guy goes to the supermarket and a beautiful blond waves at him and says “hello”. He’s rather taken back because he can’t place where he knows her from. he finally asks “Do you know me”. She replies, “I think you are the father of one of my children.” Now he thinks back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful and says “My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my ass with wet celery and then stuck a carrot up my butt?”

“No”, she said, “I’m your son’s math teacher.”

Smilies

Some of you will have noticed that I sometimes put emoticons, or smileys, in my posts like this 🙂

The Blog automatically converts certain character combinations to smileys for you and the table below gives a list of what to type:

Smileys Table

So, to get 🙂 just type in ‘:-)’

Goole registry office

Is it just me or is a web-cam in a place where nothing ever happens generally amusing? Take a look here.

Warning!

I have an off-beat sense of humour – caution is recommended!

Open Source

Software is really pretty expensive when it comes down to it but you need not spend as much as you think.

Need office software such as word processing or spreadsheet? Why not try Open Office you can download it here?

Like a Cd full of free software? Then download the Open CD here. The download is around 536Mb and is an ISO file, this is a CD image and most writers can handle these. Look for the option to burn an image.

Some good free security software to look at includes AVG Free (for home use); SpyBot and PC Tools Firewall Plus.

Need some help using Open Source software to best advantage in your Company? Talk to Aaland.

If you can afford to please make a donation it will be much less than buying the commercial equivalent.

Broadband

It seems that many people don’t really understand broadband so here’s a few tips…

Broadband is a umbrella term i.e. what you have is probably more properly called ADSL (Asymmetric Digital Subscriber Line). Asymmetric basically means that you download stuff from the Internet much faster than you can send it. (So, that’s why it takes so much longer to send my photos than to receive them – Ed!)

ADSL works by using part of the available bandwidth on the telephone system that voice calls don’t need. However, to get the best out of the technology you must install a filter on every telephone point you are using to make sure the signals don’t interfere with each. Also, filters vary in quality so the cheapest is not necessarily the best. Try a cheap one first by all means but be prepared to pay for better quality (£5-£8).

If you are getting broadband now (or changing provider) and have just got yourself a new computer be aware that many providers are having issues with Windows Vista and you may need some help setting things up. For example, Tiscali requires a driver update to enable the Speedtouch modem to operate correctly.

Contact a local supplier, preferably recommended by someone you know. In the York area contact Computer Medics who will be able to sort things out for you.

To check whether you are getting best performance from your ADSL service try the speed test here. There’s no need to install anything.

Do make certain, before you connect, that the firewall is active. The one installed in Windows is fine but you can get more control using a third-party system such as Zone Alarm. Incidentally, there’s loads of free software that’s very good – take a look at the Open Source post.

Any problems, why not fire them up here and I’ll pass them on to Computer Medics – those guys can fix pretty much anything!

Paedophiles

Yes, let’s manage them in the community, with a shotgun.

Sucker Punch

It would appear that if I go out and indulge in a bit of skulduggery (you know, burglary, that sort of thing) as long as I repent and apologise to the court and promise to be a good boy for a bit I’ll get pretty much let off.

God help me if I put the wrong rubbish in the wrong bin on the wrong day – I’ll probably get deported!

Registration Plates

Well, it’s taken a while but eventually someone has figured it out! Registration plates are not the foolproof identifier the authorities claimed. So, what about all those people who picked up speeding and congestion charge fines while nowhere near the area but couldn’t prove it?

Well, even though Police records suggest 33,000 cases of number plate theft a year, you’ll still have to prove it wasn’t you rather than the court having to prove it WAS you.

Maybe we should all get continuous video-surveillance installed on our person so we can always prove where we were…