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Month: November 2009

Earn £2000 extra working 2 hours a week!

How many times I have seen this sort of statement. Indeed, if I had a pound for every one I’ve seen I wouldn’t need to apply as I would already be wealthy! They all look the same don’t they?

“This system is so simple I taught my daughter to use it in just one hour!”

“My grandmother is now wealthy using this system”

“I’m even making money from my holiday home in Barbados!”

Yeah, right! If it was that easy we’d all be doing it or, rather we wouldn’t, who would do everything else? In other words the bins wouldn’t get emptied because the binmen (sorry, recycling operatives) would be getting rich trading or selling commodities etc. Who would be growing food, teaching the kids, building houses etc?

Sadly, we can’t all sit on our fat arses doing bugger-all and getting rich. So, if you really feel the urge to spend a load of cash and get nowt for it, send it to me and I’ll spend it on wine, great food and holidays! I’ll even send you a thank-you note listing what I spent it on – now that’s got to be a good deal 🙂

Just for a laugh

I’ve repeated this almost exactly as it was sent to me. If you can show you are the original author I’ll happily give you credit here.

“Teaching maths in 1970

A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.

What is his profit?

Teaching Maths In 1980

A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100. His cost of production is 80% of the price.

What is his profit?

Teaching Maths In 1990

A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100. His cost of production is £80.

How much was his profit?

Teaching Maths In 2000

A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100. His cost of production is £80 and his profit is £20..

Your assignment:

Underline the number 20.

Teaching Maths In 2005

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands.

Your assignment:

Discuss how the birds and squirrels might feel as the logger cut down their homes just for a measly profit of £20.

Teaching Maths In 2009

A logger is arrested for trying to cut down a tree in case it may be offensive to Muslims or other religious groups not consulted in the felling license. He is also fined a £100 as his chainsaw is in breach of Health and Safety legislation as it deemed too dangerous as it could cut something. He has used the chainsaw for over 20 years without incident however he does not have the correct certificate of competence and is therefore considered to be a recidivist and habitual criminal. His DNA is sampled and his details circulated throughout all government agencies. He protests and is taken to court and fined another £100 because he is such an easy target. When he is released he returns to find Gypsies have cut down half his wood to build a camp on his land.  He tries to throw them off but is arrested, prosecuted for harassing an ethnic minority, imprisoned and fined a further £100.

While he is in jail the Gypsies cut down the rest of his wood and sell it on the black market for £100 cash.  They also have a leaving BBQ of squirrel and pheasant and depart leaving behind several tonnes of rubbish and asbestos sheeting. The forester on release is warned that failure to clear the fly tipped rubbish immediately at his own cost is an offence. He complains and is arrested for environmental pollution, breach of the peace and invoiced £12,000 plus VAT for safe disposal costs by a regulated government contractor.

Your assignment:

How many times is the logger going to have to be arrested and fined before he realises that he is never going to make £20 profit by hard work, give up, sign onto the dole and live off the state for the rest of his life?

Teaching Maths In 2010

A logger doesn’t sell a lorry load of timber because he can’t get a loan to buy a new lorry because his bank has spent all his and their money on a derivative of securitised debt related to sub-prime mortgages in Iceland and lost the lot with only some government money left to pay a few million pound bonuses to their senior directors and the traders who made the biggest losses.

The logger struggles to pay the £1,200 road tax on his old lorry however, as it was built in the 1970s and it no longer meets the emissions regulations and he is forced to scrap it.

Some Bulgarian loggers buy the lorry from the scrap merchant and put it back on the road. They undercut everyone on price for haulage and send their cash back home, while claiming unemployment for themselves
and their relatives. If questioned they speak no English and it is easier to deport them at the government’s expense. Following their holiday back home they return to the UK with different names and fresh girls and start again. The logger protests, is accused of being a bigoted racist and as his name is on the side of his old lorry he is
forced to pay £1,500 registration fees as a gang master.

The Government borrows more money to pay more to the bankers as bonuses are not cheap. The parliamentarians feel they are missing out and claim the difference on expenses and allowances.

You do the maths.

Teaching Maths 2017

أ المسجل تبيع حموله شاحنة من الخشب من اجل 100 دولار. صاحب تكلفة الانت=D 8ج مالثمن. ما هو الربح له؟

Root of all evil

You’ve heard the quote “money is the root of all evil”? Actually, it’s a misquote but that’s another tale.

It appears that NICE have rejected the use of Nexavar, on cost grounds, for patients suffering from liver cancer. It’s already been rejected by Scotland (NICE only covers England and Wales). This type of problem is inevitable and likely to get worse because there is no unlimited supply of money. Nexavar does not cure liver cancer but may extend a patients life by up to 6 months.

However, if you have the choice, given limited funding, what would you prefer to do? You could extend someone’s life for 6 months or cure someone and extend their life by 10 years. It’s a terrible choice to have to make but as people live longer it’s one we will have to address more and more.

Of course, if we had unlimited funds the issue would not arise. Sadly, we don’t. Money truly is at the root of this problem. We could suggest that too few people have accumulated too much wealth. In fact, around 2% of the population own 50% of the wealth or, put another way 98% of the population have low wages. But, it’s been said that if you distributed all the wealth evenly today it would take very little time to end up back in the hands of the wealthy. That’s what they are good at after all, getting wealthy.

No, the distribution of wealth is not the problem, it’s the fact that we still need money at all. Think about it, if money was not an issue thousands of problems would disappear overnight. No drugs would be too expensive; there would be no fat cats and no banker’s bonuses. Poverty and starvation would disappear and all could contribute to a Utopian future.

Sounds great? Problem is it’s greed that motivates many people and with no money to lust after there would be no reason to work. Society would no doubt break down and we would return to the Stone Age from which we would eventually emerge and simply make the same mistakes over again!

I don’t have an answer for this but until society figures out how to get on without money, be self-motivated without being ‘coin-operated’ and work towards common, global goals we will never move forward.

More Pension Woes!

I’ve been studying my pension plans of late and become quite clued up but the more I find out the more I realise it’s the ideal way to get ripped off again. For example, most people would expect to buy an annuity with their pension pot but there is a wide range of returns quoted for a given size of pot. Obviously, the best thing to do is shop around.

But wait, there’s more (as they say on those ridiculous ads). If you take an annuity it’ll deliver approximately twice the annual income typical investments would (at the moment) because when you die the insurance company gets what’s left. The actuarial tables tell them more people will die before the pot expires than not. Or, to put it another way, the annuity returns are calculated such that there’s a good bit left for them.

So, to get the best out of your annuity live a long time! You can also index link it; split between yourself and spouse (50% split means if the holder dies the spouse gets a 50% pension) and/or get an enhanced annuity for impaired life (i.e. smoke more than ten fags a day).

Now, you don’t need to take an annuity until you are 75, and you don’t need to pay anyone to ‘unlock’ your pension either. You can take up to 25% of your pension pot if you are aged 50 or more. You can also take an income drawdown instead of an annuity. There’s a lower return but you get greater flexibility (about 50% of what an annuity would deliver at the moment) plus you could always move to an annuity later.

Of course, if you mentioned a retirement date to your pension provider (like I did to Standard Life) you’ll have to wait until then to avoid the horrendous and totally unjustifiable penalty. In my case this penalty is 20% of the fund! The robbing bastards 🙁

Disclaimer:

Given that I am not a financial adviser, please don’t base your own pension decisions on anything you read here. However, do look at your pot regularly and see if there’s anything you can do to improve your lot. For example, if you were retiring now you would get about £10k income for every £100k in the pot with an annuity and about £5k income on income drawdown (assuming no capital reduction). Given that the average pension pot is around £33k there will be a few disappointed pensioners in the coming years…

Drinking beer turns men into women!

Apparently, it has been suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women.

To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each.

It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn’t drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing and refused to apologise when wrong.

No further testing is planned 🙂