Getting into the spirit of things this morning having woken up listening to all the bleeding hearts and artists…

  • I’ve just finished my soundproof room where parents can come and slap their children secure in the knowledge that the EU will never know!
  • A second room has been converted into a bar – non-smokers will NOT be permitted.
  • I’ve started a fund to pay for Mark Gilbert, the thief who stole money from his boss, to be humiliated on a weekly basis or until he hands back the compensation he won.
  • I’m currently working on a new diet plan. It is equally suitable for men and women (no sexism here!) and will feature Full English breakfasts, beer, chocolate and a host of other goodies.
  • I won’t be having unmarried couples sharing a bed in my hotel, gay or otherwise. If they don’t like it they can bugger off!

[To be continued]