• I’ve just finished my soundproof room where parents can come and slap their children secure in the knowledge that the EU will never know!
• A second room has been converted into a bar – non-smokers will NOT be permitted.
• I’ve started a fund to pay for Mark Gilbert, the thief who stole money from his boss, to be humiliated on a weekly basis or until he hands back the compensation he won.
• I’m currently working on a new diet plan. It is equally suitable for men and women (no sexism here!) and will feature Full English breakfasts, beer, chocolate and a host of other goodies.
• I won’t be having unmarried couples sharing a bed in my hotel, gay or otherwise. If they don’t like it they can bugger off!
  

[To be continued]

Now, it costs £1.7bn per year to treat smokers, £3bn to treat alcohol-related diseases and a whopping £6.2bn to treat the obese (source: NHS). All three have avoidable problems, purely down to lifestyle. However, all three typically do not suffer from dementia as they usually die before it sets in!

So, there’s your solution, make tobacco, alcohol and fast food as cheap as possible and encourage people to consume in quantity; offer bare-minimum treatment such as pain-killers to people with self-inflicted illnesses and thus save the NHS a massive £20bn which is half its annual budget!

Yet some idiot wants to put the price of alcohol up

London Transport MIGHT strike as may The Post Office.

So that’s it, if you haven’t already gone then you’re probably stuck here, given that Globespan has just gone into administration if you’re already there then you’re probably staying a bit longer!

Why am I going on strike? Because I’m extremely jealous that loads of people are going to be sat on their arses doing nowt and I want to join them!

No children or animals were hurt in the making of this post

“Teaching maths in 1970

A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.

What is his profit?

Teaching Maths In 1980

A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100. His cost of production is 80% of the price.

What is his profit?

Teaching Maths In 1990

A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100. His cost of production is £80.

How much was his profit?

Teaching Maths In 2000

A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100. His cost of production is £80 and his profit is £20..

Your assignment:

Underline the number 20.

Teaching Maths In 2005

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands.

Your assignment:

Discuss how the birds and squirrels might feel as the logger cut down their homes just for a measly profit of £20.

Teaching Maths In 2009

A logger is arrested for trying to cut down a tree in case it may be offensive to Muslims or other religious groups not consulted in the felling license. He is also fined a £100 as his chainsaw is in breach of Health and Safety legislation as it deemed too dangerous as it could cut something. He has used the chainsaw for over 20 years without incident however he does not have the correct certificate of competence and is therefore considered to be a recidivist and habitual criminal. His DNA is sampled and his details circulated throughout all government agencies. He protests and is taken to court and fined another £100 because he is such an easy target. When he is released he returns to find Gypsies have cut down half his wood to build a camp on his land.  He tries to throw them off but is arrested, prosecuted for harassing an ethnic minority, imprisoned and fined a further £100.

While he is in jail the Gypsies cut down the rest of his wood and sell it on the black market for £100 cash.  They also have a leaving BBQ of squirrel and pheasant and depart leaving behind several tonnes of rubbish and asbestos sheeting. The forester on release is warned that failure to clear the fly tipped rubbish immediately at his own cost is an offence. He complains and is arrested for environmental pollution, breach of the peace and invoiced £12,000 plus VAT for safe disposal costs by a regulated government contractor.

Your assignment:

How many times is the logger going to have to be arrested and fined before he realises that he is never going to make £20 profit by hard work, give up, sign onto the dole and live off the state for the rest of his life?

Teaching Maths In 2010

A logger doesn’t sell a lorry load of timber because he can’t get a loan to buy a new lorry because his bank has spent all his and their money on a derivative of securitised debt related to sub-prime mortgages in Iceland and lost the lot with only some government money left to pay a few million pound bonuses to their senior directors and the traders who made the biggest losses.

The logger struggles to pay the £1,200 road tax on his old lorry however, as it was built in the 1970s and it no longer meets the emissions regulations and he is forced to scrap it.

Some Bulgarian loggers buy the lorry from the scrap merchant and put it back on the road. They undercut everyone on price for haulage and send their cash back home, while claiming unemployment for themselves
and their relatives. If questioned they speak no English and it is easier to deport them at the government’s expense. Following their holiday back home they return to the UK with different names and fresh girls and start again. The logger protests, is accused of being a bigoted racist and as his name is on the side of his old lorry he is
forced to pay £1,500 registration fees as a gang master.

The Government borrows more money to pay more to the bankers as bonuses are not cheap. The parliamentarians feel they are missing out and claim the difference on expenses and allowances.

You do the maths.

Teaching Maths 2017

أ المسجل تبيع حموله شاحنة من الخشب من اجل 100 دولار. صاحب تكلفة الانت=D 8ج مالثمن. ما هو الربح له؟

To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each.

It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn’t drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing and refused to apologise when wrong.

No further testing is planned

But, when you change the name of something you should be damn sure you change it for the better – Spotted Richard doesn’t really make the grade does it?

Richard is short for Richard the Third, Cockney rhyming slang. It’s got a number of meanings one of which is ‘turd’ (shit).

So, all of you sensitive souls who didn’t want to ask for Spotted Dick enjoy your ‘Turd and Custard’ and stop your meddling. After all, you know Jack anyway. (That’s Jack Shit, by the way, or bugger all basically)!

I’ve said I’ll take it back but they wanted to prosecute so I’ve been investigated by the XXXXX and appeared in XXXX where I was fined £XX. Fortunately, the XXXX and The XXXXX agreed not to reveal my details to the public so no-one knows about this except the Board of Directors at the Company I own.

They’ve been really good. Obviously my position was untenable and, as they said, it wasn’t the fact that I borrowed something long-term from XXX but that I got found out. Anyway, I had to resign as Managing Director.

Happily, my wife is Company Secretary so she’s created a new post to start as soon as all the fuss has died down (in about a month). I’m really looking forward to the challenge of becoming the first Directing Manager in the Company.

Oh, and I didn’t have to take the television back either

“No”, she said, “I’m your son’s math teacher.”